The Road to Finding Myself

Pathways

How has the past 3 years been for me?  I can answer this in a few simple words. Tough, emotional, exhausting, sad. Are these four simple words? No of course not, each word is filled with so much meaning, memories, truth.

I wont lie i have been scared at times. So scared because i suppose i lost my direction. I didn't know what path my life was taking. I lost control. I lost myself.

Our lives take a path, and this can change direction at any time. Just like that out of no where it can shock even the most solid grounded people. You think you know where your life will end up, but just like that the pathway diverts off into a different direction.

So many times we are made to think, by society, by religion, by media and so many other sources that we must live our lives a certain way. Move in a certain direction, never veer off the path that we are on.

But i've come to truly believe that in this one life we live, how can this be true. Of course there are different pathways and so many times we stick to the same one. But sometimes, just sometimes for some of us, and maybe i believe all of us just at different times in our lives, moments happen, life happens and we choose a different route

This happened for me. I had lost myself, Lost who i was. Not as a mummy, this i always knew to be the only thing that has ever remained true since the day i had Martha. But in everything else i had lost who i was.

The reason i am writing this post, and its a bit out of no where, is because in the past 6 months i have truly found myself again. It took 2 and a half years. That's a long time to feel like this, i know some people feel this way for a lot longer, for some its a lot quicker for people to get to the other side. But for me this is how long it has taken.

I have been on a pathway of ups and downs, i never regret anything, only maybe wish i had a chosen my choices in a slightly different way. I have learnt to forgive, not only myself but others that have hurt me. I choose to be happy now, not just for me but for my little girl. I am in a good place, i have a home, i have my family, i have good friends, i am back doing the job i should never have left and I have found love again. 

To be at the lowest you have ever felt before is hard. To come out the other side, you come out a different person. Stronger, with an understanding of others, non judgemental, compassionate,but most importantly with an understanding of you. I know i never want to feel that way again. I know i am happy, and whats more i am a happy mummy for the most important person in my life......Martha.

This evening i watched a film. I related to that film in many ways. I suppose sometimes i can be, how shall i out it.....airy fairy ha, deep, meaningful, spiritual. If you haven't seen Eat Pray Love, then maybe next time you have some time to yourself, or are in bed poorly like i am this evening pop it on.

Some words from the end of the film literally sum it all up.......................................

“In the end I’ve come to believe in something I call the physics of the quest. A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity.

The rule of quest physics goes something like this……… If your brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting which can be anything from your house,to bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey, as a clue and if you except everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself then the truth will not be withheld from you.

I can’t help but believe it from my experience.”

Our lives are like chapters of a book. Some chapters will last a very long time, others will be short lived. But within each chapter we learn so much. Some of it is hard, tough and not that nice, other parts are so dam good we never want it to end. 

We are all on a journey, there will be bumps along the way, but we are stronger people for this. So enjoy every chapter, all the fun, laughter, amazing memories you are making, and learn from all the bits of crap that pop up along the way. And remember if right now you are having a tough time, that one day a new chapter will begin and you will smile once again.

Thank you for reading, and if my airy fairy post has helped just one person who's feeling a little this way, no matter what you may be going through, then i am a happy lady.